Gold's Fan-Fiction

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Gold's Fan-Fiction

Post by Gold Chocobo on Sat Oct 30, 2010 7:55 pm

I'll post any new fan-fiction one shots here.

Fire Emblem
Title: Untitled


The darkness is more consuming then one would believe. His light eyes lost their luminous glow as the world turned a lush black around him. He could hear the sound of raspy, uneven breaths, launching uneasy shivers up and down his warm spine, causing it to numb from the bitter chill it sent. The cloud of fear that encrusted the young man laced together the threads of the horrible, terrible fright that formed a blanket of complete insecurity, always cautious, the environment no longer safe. A light tremble came over his pale lips, quivering into the night-like day,

“Who’s there?” His words twisting together and producing an uttered mess, his mind panicking, surging into complete alertness. His shaking foot had taken a step backwards on it’s on, fright controlling his actions, rather then thought. His rough, yet smooth hands clutched the hilt of his powerful rapier, transforming the color of his skin to a pale, white variation. Then, an overwhelming mass of power crashed into him, causing his body to jerk as it plummeted further into the darkness, smacking deep into the frigid stone wall. The friction of the brick against his back burned, but he ignored the minor soreness, glancing up at his true unstoppable enemy. He drew out his elegant weapon, pointing it foreword, directly at his perverted, twisted foe. He placed a second hand onto the handle, ensuring complete control of the sword’s motion and direction. He lunged foreword, keeping his footing on the slippery, blood stained tiles. When he arrived at the most direct attacking range for his opponent, he swung, slashing the disgusting, dirty flesh of the monster. Upon slashing a painful, fearsome gash onto the frame of the large beast. Leaping backwards, he landed perfectly, watching his now weak and vulnerable enemy collapse into a bloody heap upon the floor.

“May your soul be saved.” The young prince said heartily, almost kindly. The light re-shown into the what used to be a black world. His beautiful crimson locks visible in the now ambiguous, confusing light source that had formed. His defying aqua orbs glowed in pride, for his ambition was to become a stronger, yet compassionate prince. He slid his sword into his ornately decorated casing that protected his blade. His name was Prince Eliwood.

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Myths and Sparkly Things
By: Gold Chocobo
Shonen Ai, HarukaXKantarou
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“Youkai and humans can never bond together….it is a bridge that can not be crossed.”

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Even though he knew this statement, he knew it was true, he did not believe it. He released Haruka, because he admired him, he wanted to become friends with him. Now, that he learned about Haruka’s real personality, he yearned for something more. He wanted to know Haruka more closely; he had a desire for his smile, his body, his love…Kantarou, was too kind. If he wanted to, with a few words, he could force Haruka to do anything. However, he could never and would never commit such a horrible act towards Haruka.
He looked up at the sky, it was bright outside. Kantarou was seated in his study. He wished he could lay out with Haruka on the roof, watching the sky, absorbing the sun’s warmth. Instead, he was stuck inside. He sighed to himself; he had actually finished a manuscript for Reiko, indicating that he was feeling down. He entered the kitchen taking a cup of tea.
Once it was later in the day, he exited the house, climbing onto the roof. As he suspected, Haruka was resting on the roof, taking in the sunset.
“The sky is really pretty, isn’t it Haruka?” He asked with a smile, taking a seat beside him. Haruka nodded silently, glancing over at him. Kantarou’s eyes seemed to glow and sparkle in the lowered sun. His crimson eyes reflected the colors, making them appear even more beautiful. Kantarou then noticed that Haruka was staring intently into his eyes; a soft redness coated his cheeks as he asked,
“What are you staring at me for?” He was a little surprised when Haruka moved closer to him.
“Your eyes. They’re the most important part of my collection.” Haruka said blankly, referring to his collection of sparkling objects, Haruka then held his chin as he observed them more closely.
“Really?” Kantarou asked, pleasantly surprised. Most people downed him because of his unnatural eye color. He smiled, the statement that Haruka had just made created an extreme happiness on his heart, allowing the heavy weight that had been placed on it earlier dissolve away.
“I don’t lie.” He said in response. His coal, dark eye stared into Kantarou’s, but not coldly. Haruka moved his position so that he was directly in front of his master. What happened next was a blur to Kantarou. Suddenly, Haruka was extremely close, peering warmly and deeply into his eyes. He felt something warm on hi slips and the heartbeat vibrating from Haruka’s body. His eyes grew wide when he learned what was occurring, but they softened quickly.
The sun was beneath the sky; it was cloudy and disgusting now. The setting was nothing romantic,
“You can’t even see the stars out,” Kantarou sighed, “I guess it’s true…it is a bridge that can’t be crossed.” He said with a tone of sadness.
“Kantarou…”
“What is it?”
“Don’t believe such silly myths,” Haruka said passing him a serious glance, taking the smaller hand, “don’t let anything change your heart.” Kantarou blushed and smiled,
“Hai.”

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I like this one shot a lot…especially the title. (:
Thanks for reading! All reviews are appreciated.
Vocabulary:
“Hai” means “Yes”
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Jealousy and Selfishness
By: Gold Chocobo
Shonen Ai, Kantarou X Haruka
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I was always jealous of him. Not only was he my master, he held a higher level of spiritual power then I. His features were very unique considering he’s human. His skin was a very pale-white pigment, with thin silver hair, that lies messily on his head. His eyes are what I envy the most. They were large, with irises a bright shade of red. They were always shining, reflecting numerous shapes and colors. Sometimes, when my master isn’t paying much attention to the world around him, I’ll continuously stare into them.
“Haruka.” I turned to see my master looking up at me. His stature was short, but his kindness stood above all of the tall people in the world, including myself. I looked down at him more directly, a silent gesture that I was listening, paying close attention.
“Haruka…I want you to,” I passed him a strange glance as he paused, “kiss me it’s an order!” I looked at him in shock; I never thought I would hear that from him. Then, I observed as he burst into tears, glistening as they streamed down his face,
“I’m so sorry! Please forgive me! Forget I said anything! You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” He sobbed; I reached out and grasped his forearm, preventing his escape to his study. This was another factor I was jealous of, how adorable he looked when he cried. I turned him gently so he faced me. Taking my thumb to his face, I slowly removed all the salty warm liquid from his cherry cheeks. I loved him, even if I’m envious of him. I gently took a hold of his small wrists, placing my lips onto his soft pink ones. Closing my eyes, I only received a mere glance of his eyes, which were wide in bewilderment, shock. Then, when I was sure I hard a firm hold, I gently licked his lips. It was a silent gesture, asking him to part them for me. When my master did so, I explored his mouth, making sure he didn’t give any signs of discomfort. Once I released I examined his face, it was coated in a red blush, wearing a face of absolute admiration.
“Ha…Haruka…” He stuttered, looking dreamily content. I wrapped my arms around his waist, holding him extremely close,
“Don’t speak. I know what you’re thinking.” I said softly, I placed a soft kiss on his forehead, “this was my choice. It’s my choice to accept you as mine.”

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I thought it was short but cute (;
Reviews are appreciated.
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Last edited by Gold Chocobo on Mon Nov 29, 2010 4:57 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Gold's Fan-Fiction

Post by Gold Chocobo on Sun Nov 07, 2010 10:32 am

Pokes Destiny, hey you're awesome at writing, could you critique this ^

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Re: Gold's Fan-Fiction

Post by Destiny's Gate on Sun Nov 07, 2010 10:37 am

I don't like judging fanfics for things I don't know, but lemme take a look...

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Re: Gold's Fan-Fiction

Post by Gold Chocobo on Sun Nov 07, 2010 10:39 am

Just the use of words and details (:

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Re: Gold's Fan-Fiction

Post by Destiny's Gate on Sun Nov 07, 2010 10:53 am

You asked for my critique, so I'll give it, but don't hate me. I'm always this blunt, even as a beta on FF.net.

I hate to say it, but it's the equivalent of a little girl wearing her mother's shoes... It has a lot of good words and emulates the writing of well-known decent authors, but there are things here and there that make it seem almost childish.

You switch tenses. While some authors do this, it's only effective if it's in different paragraphs. If it's all in one paragraph, it kills fluidity. Your "The darkness is more consuming then one would believe. His light eyes lost their luminous glow as the world turned a lush black around him." would be better if the two sentences were in different paragraphs, the second starting the second paragraph. And you do this throughout. That's the one I would keep. The others ought to go.

You have nonsensical oxymorons. "His rough, yet smooth hands" makes no sense. Nothing can be rough and smooth at the same time. It's one thing to say "jumbo shrimp" (bigger than normal shrimp), but it's another to try to say things that don't make sense.

The wording is off in spots. You use big words, but it sounds like you're using them just to use them. They aren't adding anything. Sometimes going with the more basic word works better. "transforming the color of his skin to a pale, white variation" sounds like you were trying to sound smart. If you say "white" we know you're referring to color. Instead of that, "turning his skin a pale, white variation" would have worked a million times better without killing the consistency and fluidity of the sentence.

You're committing the most common mistake as well. "“May your soul be saved.” The young prince said heartily, almost kindly." should actually be "May your soul be saved," the young prince said heartily, almost kindly. That period and capital should actually be a comma and a lowercase letter. Also, in this case, it might even sound better to have it be "said the young prince heartily, almost kindly", though that's up to you.

There are a ton of fragments. And while fragments are good to break up long sentences and to make something stand out, you use them too much to be effective.

Sorry if I sound mean, but you asked and I went into beta mode.

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Re: Gold's Fan-Fiction

Post by Gold Chocobo on Sun Nov 07, 2010 10:57 am

No, I was expecting it, and I could see where I can improve, the next I write a one-shot fan-fiction I'll keep these things in mind. I'm not as touchy when it comes to writing, because I really, really enjoy doing it, so learning to write better is a good thing. I really would like to be an author as a side job when I'm older. Thanks for the advice!

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Re: Gold's Fan-Fiction

Post by Destiny's Gate on Sun Nov 28, 2010 1:14 pm

Anything else for me to look at, Gold?

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Quote : A story's birth is a sudden event. The start, a happy accident. The end, the fate for which it's meant. A story that never ends is a cruel thing.
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Re: Gold's Fan-Fiction

Post by Gold Chocobo on Sun Nov 28, 2010 8:53 pm

Hmmm...I have some older yet new ones lying somewhere in my house...

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Re: Gold's Fan-Fiction

Post by Destiny's Gate on Sun Nov 28, 2010 9:14 pm

I'd love to see it. Smile

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Re: Gold's Fan-Fiction

Post by Gold Chocobo on Mon Nov 29, 2010 4:58 pm

Okay, I added two new one-shots in the first post. They are both Haruka X Kantarou. They aren't detailed or anything...I was just trying to pump up the fluff factor XD

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